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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.