Nighttime Hosts Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Plan

TV's leading hosts devoted the evening ridiculing ex-President Donald Trump's newly launched immigration program, dubbed the "Trump card," describing it as a obvious pay-for-access system for the rich.

The Late Show's Sarcastic Analysis

Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert delivered a mock Christmas jingle directed at the president. "He's making a list, checking it twice, before giving that list to the agents at ICE," he intoned. "Donald Trump ... ruins everything he touches."

The subject was the new plan which allows foreign citizens to purchase U.S. residency for the price of a million dollars, or "platinum" option for $5 million. An official page guarantees processing "with unprecedented speed."

"A quick message here to wealthy foreigners: before you pony up, what about Canada?" Colbert joked.

He noted that the card is also intended to "squeeze cash" from firms looking to hire foreign workers, requiring significant payments. "That is a lot of fees, though if you register, you additionally get a complimentary stay at a hotel of your selection – provided that it's the a specific Marriott," he said.

"The most thorough background check the U.S. government has before done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these applicants truly are eligible to be in America."

"That is important, you gotta prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert deadpanned. "First question: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Critique

On his own program, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "U.S. Access Express Card."

"This is a card that will allow affluent overseas citizens to live here," he stated. "For a million dollars, you get official resident status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your choice."

"Maybe it's time to update that message on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your poor masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel mocked the simplicity of the application, observing it is "tougher to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a condo."

"Indeed, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus constantly said! Read it in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you offer the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Affordability Struggles

Elsewhere, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's plunging poll numbers amid financial anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a second term because they were mad about the economy," he said.

This week, in a effort to tackle affordability, Trump held a press conference in front of a array of food items, where he reacted peculiarly to some cereal.

"Lovely packaging, I think I'm going to take a few of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump stated. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a while."

"Trump is so incredibly weird," Meyers said. "What do you mean, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers finished by mocking conservative news defenses of Trump's economic record. "Maybe instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like the one FIFA did," he joked.